Thich Nhat Hanh

Dear Thây,

When we first met at an interfaith retreat in California in 1987 I spoke of my desire to graduate from Buddhism. I had already been leading retreats for a number of years and was questioning the complexities implicit in the phenomena of first-generation convert Buddhism. You liked this idea of ‘graduating’ and even used it as a theme in one of your talks. The thought of going beyond obvious self-definitions and categories was, of course, close to your heart.

A couple of years later, along with my partner Michele, I became a member of the Order of Interbeing at Plum Village. We were part of a group of four, the first westerners to join the order. The next year, I transitioned, after many years of confusion and hesitation. After all, how could a Buddhist teacher, an apparently ‘serious’ person renounce the gender of their birth?

The first time I saw you after my transition was at Santa Barbara where we were helping organize a retreat at the university. The evening before the retreat we chanced to be at the curbside when you arrived. You recognized Michele, smiled and hugged her. Then you turned to me, “Ahh, Extraordinary Dharma!” You smiled again before giving me one of your memorable hugs. — you remembered that Ordinary Dharma was the name of our organization.

At breakfast the next day you asked me what you should call me. “Caitriona,” I replied. I gave you a copy of my article “Coming Out Whole,” which had recently been published in Inquiring Mind.

At a question-and-answer session during the retreat you made a point of asking me to sit next to you on the stage and pass you the written questions. There were many others you might have asked to perform the task. Needless to say, I was a little dizzy from being so honored.

Soon afterwards we lost regular contact with you and with the community. This was around the time that you were reorganizing Plum Village, recognizing the need to focus on building the monastic sangha. We were also busy with our own new center, Manzanita Village, and did not have the resources to travel to France, or even attend retreats in the U.S.

We were also experimenting with that notion of ‘graduating’ from Buddhism and didn’t feel we fit in with an increasingly conformist ethos that seemed to surround you and your teachings as your work became better known. Perhaps we had been spoiled by meeting you before you took on the more formal mantle of leadership that was now required for you to effectively spread your teaching.

Many years later I heard indirectly that you missed me, and that you wondered if you had done anything to offend me at that time of my transition. O course not. I am sorry I did not communicate with you then to reassure you of the contrary.

I miss you, or rather, I feel closer to you now than I did during those years of silence. Perhaps I am writing this, now that you have gone, as a gesture to break the silence and express my love and gratitude for your generosity, and for those beautiful hugs.

Caitriona Reed – Chan Bao

*Photo: Wedding of Caitriona and Michele with Thich Nhat Hanh at Plum Village 1989